Ten Actors I Hate (mostly because of their stupid faces)

One thing... This list isn't really about ugliness... it's just about faces I hate. In fact, most of the people on this list a considered quite attractive by the vast majority of the unwashed oxygen-sucking face breathers.

1. Richard Dreyfus.
Aaaargh! Mr. Holland's Anus!!!! This diminutive, oily hack has been giving me the creepy-jeepies since I was a kid. Reminds you of the weird old uncle you don't want to be left alone with. Can you imagine being trapped in a room with this troll when he was hopped up on goofballs? Was considered for the lead of "Leprechaun IV." Sniffs girls bicycle seats in his spare time.

2. Tom Cruise
Not cause he's a HOTSHOT in EVERY DAMN MOVIE. Even in "Born On The Fourth of July" he wheels around with flair. Not because he's so terrified that people might even THINK he's gay that he sues the pants off everyone. But because he's a big faker. Every public appearance is a painful charade. He laughs too hard at every joke, smiles compulsively, and looks far too deeply into the eyes of his fans, with his patented concerned twinkle. Seeing him on Oprah is a sickening orgy of self-congralutory compassion. "Tom, You're the greatest" "NO Oprah, YOU ARE the Greatest." Somebody tell the Stewardess I need another Airsickness Pouch. Barf. Like a paper toilet seat cover, he's been Sanitized for your Protection. Oh, and he's a Scientologist. Creepy. Tom, just move to Clearwater, Fla. and become the Grand Poobah or whatever. Hail Xenu.

3. Russell Crowe.
This bloated, surly Aussie has one of those "Retarded Babyman" faces that just scare the bejeezus out of me. He looks a big violent redneck, the result of generations of inbreeding. He looks like his idea of fun is beating a toad with a stick. Huh huh. That people think he is attractive is really quite disturbing. And gives hope to millions of dog-faced people everywhere. Oh, and his band SUCKS. He should form a superband with Keanu, Bruce Willis and James Belushi. And then they should leave the planet.

4. Kate Hudson
The bio of this talentless featherwieght claims that she never attempted to use her mothers fame to aid her career. Of course she didn't! Everyone else did that for her! Nepotism aside, her blank expression rests upon a frame so curveless, it looks like someone stuck a frog's head on top of a couple of cardboard boxes, and then added a blond wig. I predict big things for this vapid, shapeless, spawn of D-List stardom.

5. Nick Nolte.
I once saw Nick Nolte on an episode of the legendary "Barnaby Jones", the greatest show of ALL TIME. He played a college football star who accidentally killed his girlfriend, and then tried to cover it up. This craggy-faced, perpetually dour trogolodyte looks like he crawled out the sewer into the gutter, and found it to his liking. How people mistake his raspy mumble for acting is beyond me.

6. Hilary Swank.
This lumpen, mishapen Golem made her mark playing a girl playing a boy. Not much of a stretch for this gender-challenged beanstalk. She bears a creepy resemblance to Matt Damon... captain of the upside-down smile, himself a contender for this list, saved only by his acting skills. People consider her some sort of beauty queen...probably just because she's skinny, because the face on this creature could turn men to stone.

7. Martin Sheen
Oh, Martin. How far can an actor coast on a single movie? Apocalypse Now, perhaps the MOST over-rated film in Amercan cinema. A faux epic, as bloated as it's creator Francis Ford Coppolla, as meandering and pointless as... a meandering, pointless thing. This weasel-faced hack has been phoning in performances since the sixties and has a long history portraying scumbags and Presidents. Kinda the same thing I guess....

8. Sean Penn
Again, another rodent/human combination. This volatile clown has more of a rat face, and while his acting skills are slighty above marginal, I just can't stand to look at him. And let's get one thing straight. This list isn't about ugliness per se. Some people are quite ugly, yet watchable. Pete Postlethwaite for example. There's a certain type of face that I just automatically, and unconciously despise. No matter how nice, or talented some of these people may be... I simply HATE THEIR STUPID FACES. Penn is one of these. I still wonder how he gets himself in front of a camera. Honestly people.

Okay, take a deep breath. We're almost done our tour through this Gruesome Carnival of Horrors. I know I may seem like a spiteful, venomous snake, and I probably am... but these people have been tormenting me for years. And now, it's payback time. Okay, here we go...

9. Eddie Murphy
Hasn't made a decent film in years and for that he must be punished."Pluto Nash?" Please. "Dr. Doolittle?" My Lord. And the fact that these films do marginally well at the box office guarantees us years of Eddie, scraping and shining. "Don't you bring no dark spirits up in my house." NAACP must wring their hands in anguish. This once-funny pervert is another example of how fame, money, and transvestites have ravaged the comedic world. Once these angry, rage-filled masters of satire have achieved a level of comfort and happiness, the dark forces which powered their humour ebbs away, like a dying battery, or a doped-out cross-dressing prostitute. Okay that's not fair. However you want to get your freak on is fine by me. I could care less. But when you have a gorgeous supermodel wife at home with the kids, and you're heading out every night at 2 A.M. to "get the paper," that's just wrong, guys. We know what you're up to. Kevin Spacey, I'm looking at you. No one walks their dog in an urban park at 4 in the morning, unless "walking the dog" is a hip, new euphemism for "Illicit Gay Sex".

10. Michael Douglas.
Also known as "The King of the Undead". Could play the Lead Zombie without any makeup. Catherine Zeta-Jones must complain about the dampness of the crypt they sleep in. This unctous, snivelling billionaire has slithered through several decades of cinema, leaving behind him a trail of oily residue, like some sea-bottom mollusk. His tailored suits, and turkey-neck waddle give him the appearance of a chicken with an expense account let loose in Holt Renfrew. Catherine must close her eyes and think of England when it comes time to bump pug-uglies with this Ghoul.

Whew. See that wasn't so bad... it was horrible! But I feel loads better....really got a load off my chest. I promise I'll do some much nicer lists in the near future...I'll do my Top Ten Actors You've Seen in a Million Movies But Don't Know Their Name For The Life Of You....

Later

And another thing....

Don't be emailing me saying "Chris, what about The Smurfs? Tales of the Green Forest? My Little Pony? Strawberry Shortcake? Jeremy, the Singing Bear?

Face it. Those shows SUCKED ASS! I told my sister so, and I'm telling you. So there.

More Saturday Morning Klassics

Superfriends
Thundarr the Barbarian
Krofft Supershow
Robotech
Flash Gordon (!!!!!)

No. 1 reason I hate you

1. Your Stupid Face

SATURDAY MORNING FOLLIES

Watching ROCKET ROBIN HOOD on the cartoon network... and it's rocking my world!!!! Remember vividly those Saturday mornings spent strapped in front of the tube, consuming massive amounts of sugar-coated cereal...

Getting up at 6:00 and sitting through several hours of

ROCKET ROBIN HOOD
PROFESSOR KITZEL
MAX THE 2000 YEAR OLD MOUSE
DAVEY AND GOLIATH
GUMBY
THE NEW ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO
The LAND OF OZ (Three sad souls, Oh me Oh my...)

Waiting for the good stuff....Any thoughts? Any Faves?